Americans, you may want to sit down for this. Are you sitting? No, please. Sit down. This is serious. Ready? Okay, here it goes: Your country is broken.
“We can fix it!”
No, sorry, you cannot. You’re terribly broken. Gangrene is has set in and it’s bad.
“How can this be?”
Good question. I first noticed it back in 1990 when you bombed the living hell out of Iraq (to depose a dictator the U.S. helped put in power). Five years later it was the Oklahoma City bombing – an act of domestic terrorism I could hardly fathom. Four years after that came Columbine. That one really stood out. Then another war with Iraq (this time over weapons of mass destruction which we now know for certain was just a cover up to finish the job daddy couldn’t do a decade ago). Sandy Hook. The religious right. Rampant racism, misogyny, class warfare… The list goes on and on (and on and on and on…) Oh, and every single level of government AND your Supreme Court is bought and paid for.
The overwhelming response to all of this? Absolutely nothing, unless you count pithy memes on the Internet.
“But lots of people care. We want to change. We CAN change.”
Nope. I don’t think you can. If you were capable of change you would have a Congress that looks a lot different than what it looks like today.
|All that red has you blue|
“There has to be something that can be done. Come on, doc, throw us a bone here.”
“Yes, please, tell us!”
If gangrene gets too bad there’s only one thing to do.
“Please, tell us, what is it?”
I’m sorry, That’s very un-Canadian. But onto the good news. Remember 1812? Specifically, the war.
“Yes, we kicked your lily asses.”
Well, there’s some debate on how that ended, and we did torch Washington (which is actually the reason the White House is painted white – to cover up the fact that we burned the fuck out of it) but that’s neither here nor there.
The deal with the War of 1812 was this: North America was being colonized at a phenomenal rate and you guys wanted a bunch of “British” land and decided to come take it. We were all like, screw that, and fought you back. It’s way more complicated, of course. We can’t ignore the genocide of millions of indigenous peoples made in the name of “progress” (hence, the quotes around “British” land). But, the whitewashed history books will sum it up into a battle for the stuff between the 40th and 54th parallels with the resulting borders ending up looking more or less like they do now.
|Size matters and we’re way bigger than you are|
“So, what’s your point?”
Well, I propose we annex a slice of the northern United States. Literally cut it out and stitch it onto the south end of Canada. Not quite as far down as the 40th parallel, but close enough. Everyone living in those areas would either stick around and live in a country that’s not batshit crazy or get the hell out of Dodge and head South.
“If a bunch of Americans start migrating south, won’t that crowd up everywhere below the 40th parallel?”
Nope, because we’d open up the new border to accept American refugees from the south too! Call it a citizenship swap. Batshit crazy? South of 40. Not Batshit crazy? North of 40. We’re already bringing in a metric tonne of Syrians and have a pretty good track record with this sort of humanitarian peacekeeping shit. Okay, we had a really dark period there from 2006 until very recently, but we’ve fixed that problem and we’re just about good as new.
“Would you take whole states or just cut a swath across the top all nice and straight?”
We’ll take whole states and make a straightish line. We’ll assume control of Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming (reluctantly), both Dakotas, Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin (Go Packers!), Michigan, New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine.
|Now THAT’S a nice looking map|
In tribute to the native peoples who were slaughtered, we’ll immediately rename two states south of Ontario “Lower East Saskatchewan” and “Lower East Saskatchewan South” – maybe New Hampshire and New York but we can sort that out later. We’ll also talk about renaming some of the others once everyone gets settled.
“What about Alaska and Hawaii?”
OMG, I completely forgot about them! We’ll take those too, but only under the condition that Sarah Palin gets the hell out of Alaska and Barack Obama becomes Premier of Hawaii (Canadian version). Also, Bernie Sanders gets to be Prime Minister after Justin Trudeau.
“This could work.”
Don’t worry, this will be epic. Canada will absolutely OWN potatoes, maple syrup (even more than it does now), wheat (tonnes of fucking wheat, so much wheat), marijuana (even more than it does now), cheese, and whatever the hell Wyoming is good for.
“You know, this idea is actually kind of good.”
“One question: why do you keep using the word ‘tonne’? Isn’t it ‘ton’?”
Oh, that. It’s metric. You’ll have to start using a system of measurement that’s used in every country except the United States, Liberia, and Myanmar. It’s actually quite easy to…
“Screw that. No deal. [mumbling] And you think we’re batshit crazy? Metric system. Pfft.”
Aw man, this sucks. What am I supposed to do with this flag?
|New Canadian flag|