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Inexplicably Normalized Justification of Unusual Recurring Incongruous Event Sounds

Andrew Butters, B.Sc.
Gordon Bonnet, B.Sc., M.A.

Abstract

Injuries sustained over the first forty-eight years of the subject’s life are analyzed to determine the correlation between injury severity and the subject’s audible response. An empirical analysis is applied for the amplitude and frequency of the audible response as well as the active pain response duration leveraging novel units of measurement. Finally, a new universal law is presented. 

Introduction

Using the idiom, “The bigger they are the harder they fall,” as a starting point, the aim of this study is to investigate the relationship between the severity of a painful or discomforting event and the subject’s audible response. A study, Swearing as a Response to Pain[i] [Stephens et. al., 2009], found that when an injury occurs, an audible expression of distress decreases the intensity of the pain experienced. Another study, Effect of Manipulated State Aggression on Pain Tolerance[ii] [Stephens & Allsop, 2012], found that athletes’ stamina and sense of discomfort decreases if they shout expletives during exertion, for which one of us (Bonnet) can offer anecdotal evidence in the form of his experience of screaming “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” during a race when he realized the last 300 meters of the course was steeply uphill.

Materials and Methods

Using the first-hand recollections captured in Near Death by a Thousand Cuts: A Humorous Memoir of Misfortune (Potato Chip Math Creations, April 2023), 75 data points and associated qualitative attributes were collected.

The study began in November 1973 in the parking lot of an apartment building in Toronto but unfortunately, due to the in utero[iii] [Cobain et. al., 1993] state of the subject at the time, relevant data was unavailable. The first captured data point was obtained in July 1975 when the subject reached the age of 18 months. Data collection continued for an additional 548 months until the subject reached the age of 47 years (give or take a few days).

We first agreed that the system for registering the severity of discomfort or pain being experienced would be the Butters Relative Pain Scale™ (BuRPS)[iv]:

BuRPS	Description
1	Onset of gastrointestinal discomfort after eating bad food
2	Being punched in the arm by someone bigger than you
3	Walking into a tree/door/light post while staring at your phone
4	Pulling out a nose hair
5	Cooking bacon naked
6	Stubbing your pinkie toe on the foot of a bed
7	Catching one or more fingers in a door
8	Stepping on a Lego barefoot
9	Getting your private parts caught in a zipper
10	Kidney stones/childbirth

We also established that the sound level would utilize the standard Decibel scale[v]:

Decibels	Type of sound
0	absolute silence (threshold of hearing)
10	soundproof room
20	radio, television, or recording studio
30	quiet lecture hall; bedroom
40	quiet room in home
50	restaurant; private office
60	normal conversation; business office
70	average street noise; loud telephone bell
80	automobile interior
90	bus or truck interior
100	electric saw
110	loud orchestral music, in audience
120	amplified rock music; near jet engine
130	artillery fire at close proximity (threshold of pain)

Given the unavailability of a sound meter at the time of each injurious event, we established a sound volume approximation method: Generally Undefined Examination of Sustained Sound (GUESS).

Similarly, due to the unavailability of recordings for each injurious event, we established an expletive frequency and duration approximation method: Another Generally Undefined Examination of Sustained Swearing (Another GUESS).

Finally, we calculated the resulting Injury Impulse by multiplying the expletive frequency (fucks, F_k) by the pain spike duration (seconds, s) and associated sound volume (decibels, dB).

Upon review of the data, we determined that some of the results were skewed either high or low. Further examination showed a correlation between the deviation and the age range at which the injury occurred. From this, we established a constant to compensate for incidents that either downplay the severity of the injury (in an attempt to “act tough” or impress peers) or overreact to it (in an attempt to garner more attention from those in the vicinity). 

The Deterministic Age Manipulation Number (DAMN) was set to 0.75 for injuries in the zero to 10-year age range (i.e., the event was likely not as severe as reported) and to 1.25 for the 11 to 20-year age range (i.e., the event was likely more severe than reported).

Results

We applied the Injury Impulse transformation to each data point along with giving the appropriate Deterministic Age Manipulation Number (DAMN) to arrive at the corresponding Fuck-Second-Decibels (Fuckibels) value (Appendix A).

A simple plot (Appendix B, both with and without giving a DAMN) of the BuRPS and Fuckibels showed a straightforward non-linear relationship[vi] [Spivak, 2010] between the two described by the following expression:

Injury Impulse = 25(BuRPS²) + 75(BuRPS) + 50

One data point was thought to be an outlier (max BuRPS) but we determined this was a special case given the severity of the pain involved. For maximum BuRPS:

Injury Impulse = 3(BuRPS⁴)

Two data points alluded to exceptions to the aforementioned relationships. What if the subject, for whatever reason—whether it be unwillingness or an inability to—experienced a non-zero injury severity but displayed no outward expression of pain or discomfort? According to the formulae, this should result in an Injury Impulse of zero, however, by definition the experienced value is greater than zero. This creates a paradox akin to what is shown by the Black Knight in the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  

Conclusion

From these results, we can conclude that for severity values greater than zero and less than the maximum there is a consistent and predictable polynomial relationship between the Butters Relative Pain Scale™ and the Injury Impulse in accordance with Butters’ses Law of General Fuckibelity:

For all injuries less than the maximum severity, the resulting Injury Impulse increases by twenty-five times the square of the severity plus seventy-five times the severity plus fifty.

From this, it is intuitively obvious that analogous to the idiom, “The bigger they are the harder they fall,” comes the Butters’ses Idiomatic Corollary, “The worse the injury the louder and more frequent the swearing.”

Butters’ses Law of Special Fuckibelity:

For maximum severity, the Injury Impulse is three times the severity to the fourth power and represents the upper pain threshold for a human.

There is a way to violate both forms of Butters’ses Law and that is to not react at all. Grin and bear it. Suck it up, buttercup. Pretend it never happened. This results in what is called The Black Knight Paradox, wherein irrespective of the severity of the wound, the response by the affected person is always:

“’Tis but a scratch.“[vii] [Knight, 1975]

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Appendix A

#	Section and Chapter	Body Part	Activity	Age Range	Decade	BuRPS	Fk-s	dB	DAMN	Fk-dB-s
1	Introduction	3	Full Body	Gestating	-4 mo to 5 y	70s	Undefined	n/a	n/a	n/a	Undefined
2	Introduction	3	Head	Walking	-4 mo to 5 y	70s	4.5	12	98	0.75	882
3	Introduction	3	Full Body	I Was a Dumbass	-4 mo to 5 y	70s	3	10	67	0.75	502
4	Introduction	4	Full Body	Walking	-4 mo to 5 y	80s	1	3	66	0.75	148
5	Introduction	4	Chest	Climbing	11 – 15 y	80s	7	15	94	1.25	1762
6	Introduction	4	Hand	I Was a Dumbass	11 – 15 y	80s	5.5	10	98	1.25	1225
7	Introduction	4	Full Body	Biking	11 – 15 y	80s	2.5	6	53	1.25	397
8	Introduction	4	Full Body	Walking	11 – 15 y	80s	2	4	60	1.25	300
9	Introduction	4	Full Body	Swimming	16 – 20 y	90s	2	5	48	1.25	300
10	Head & Shoulders	5	Face	I Was a Dumbass	36 – 40 y	10s	4	10	75	1	750
11	Head & Shoulders	6	Face	Jumping	-4 mo to 5 y	70s	7	25	98	0.75	1837
12	Head & Shoulders	7	Head	Jumping	11 – 15 y	80s	6	15	75	1.25	1406
13	Head & Shoulders	7	Head	Running	16 – 20 y	90s	6.5	17	77	1.25	1636
14	Head & Shoulders	7	Head	Running	16 – 20 y	90s	6.5	15	86	1.25	1612
15	Head & Shoulders	7	Face	Moshing	21 – 25 y	90s	4	10	75	1	750
16	Head & Shoulders	7	Face	Moshing	21 – 25 y	90s	4	10	75	1	750
17	Head & Shoulders	8	Head	Hockey	16 – 20 y	90s	6.5	15	84	1.25	1575
18	Head & Shoulders	8	Head	Hockey	16 – 20 y	90s	6.5	14	94	1.25	1645
19	Head & Shoulders	8	Head	Hockey	16 – 20 y	90s	7	15	96	1.25	1800
20	Head & Shoulders	9	Head	Snowboarding	31 – 35 y	00s	6.5	17	95	1	1615
21	Head & Shoulders	9	Head	Tubing	36 – 40 y	10s	7	20	92	1	1840
22	Head & Shoulders	10	Face	Shovelling	31 – 35 y	00s	4	8	95	1	760
23	Head & Shoulders	10	Face	Skiing	16 – 20 y	90s	8	20	91	1.25	2275
24	Head & Shoulders	10	Face	Running	11 – 15 y	80s	6	12	95	1.25	1425
25	Head & Shoulders	10	Face	Hockey	11 – 15 y	80s	3.5	6	84	1.25	630
26	Head & Shoulders	10	Face	I Was a Dumbass	16 – 20 y	90s	4	7	85	1.25	743
27	Head & Shoulders	10	Face	Snowboarding	26 – 30 y	00s	8	23	98	1	2254
28	Head & Shoulders	11	Face	I Was a Dumbass	16 – 20 y	90s	7	15	95	1.25	1781
29	Knees & Toes	12	Feet	I Was a Dumbass	36 – 40 y	10s	5	11	94	1	1034
30	Knees & Toes	12	Leg	I Was a Dumbass	11 – 15 y	80s	3.5	6	83	1.25	622
31	Knees & Toes	13	Ankle	Running	31 – 35 y	00s	5.5	15	82	1	1230
32	Knees & Toes	13	Ankle	Hockey	16 – 20 y	90s	5.5	12	81	1.25	1215
33	Knees & Toes	14	Leg	Hockey	16 – 20 y	90s	7	15	95	1.25	1781
34	Knees & Toes	14	Leg	Hockey	11 – 15 y	80s	4.5	8	91	1.25	910
35	Knees & Toes	15	Toe	Standing or Sitting	16 – 20 y	90s	9	30	80	1.25	3000
36	Knees & Toes	16	Ankle	Jumping	6 – 10 y	80s	7.5	30	92	0.75	2070
37	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	17	Arm	Hockey	11 – 15 y	80s	5	9	91	1.25	1023
38	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	17	Elbow	Hockey	16 – 20 y	90s	4	8	75	1.25	750
39	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	17	Finger or Thumb	Hockey	16 – 20 y	90s	3.5	6	82	1.25	615
40	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	18	Finger or Thumb	Random Accident	6 – 10 y	80s	7	26	91	0.75	1774
41	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	18	Finger or Thumb	Using a Tool	16 – 20 y	90s	4	6.5	92	1.25	747
42	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	18	Finger or Thumb	Using a Tool	46 – 47 y	20s	5.5	13	95	1	1235
43	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	18	Finger or Thumb	Random Accident	46 – 47 y	20s	7.5	20	100	1	2000
44	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	19	Finger or Thumb	Using a Tool	36 – 40 y	10s	8	30	77	1	2310
45	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	20	Finger or Thumb	Random Accident	16 – 20 y	90s	7.5	17	98	1.25	2082
46	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	20	Finger or Thumb	Medical Procedure	16 – 20 y	90s	3	5	80	1.25	500
47	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	20	Finger or Thumb	Using a Tool	16 – 20 y	90s	5	10	85	1.25	1062
48	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	21	Wrist	Random Accident	6 – 10 y	80s	6	20	94	0.75	1410
49	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	22	Arm	Biking	6 – 10 y	80s	6.5	25	85	0.75	1593
50	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	22	Arm	Medical Procedure	6 – 10 y	80s	8	25	125	0.75	2343
51	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	23	Hand	I Was a Dumbass	26 – 30 y	00s	5	12	87	1	1044
52	Upper Limbs & Phalanges	23	Hand	I Was a Dumbass	26 – 30 y	00s	8.5	25	98	1	2450
53	Torso & Near the Equator	24	Chest	Hockey	11 – 15 y	80s	7	15	95	1.25	1781
54	Torso & Near the Equator	24	Chest	Squash	36 – 40 y	10s	7	20	90	1	1800
55	Torso & Near the Equator	24	Chest	Snowboarding	31 – 35 y	00s	7	20	90	1	1800
56	Torso & Near the Equator	25	Back	Hockey	16 – 20 y	90s	8	20	90	1.25	2250
57	Torso & Near the Equator	25	Back	Walking	36 – 40 y	10s	8	25	88	1	2200
58	Torso & Near the Equator	25	Back	Standing or Sitting	16 – 20 y	90s	8	18	98	1.25	2205
59	Torso & Near the Equator	25	Back	Cleaning	26 – 30 y	00s	8	25	89	1	2225
60	Torso & Near the Equator	25	Back	Lifting Weights	26 – 30 y	00s	8	27	82	1	2214
61	Torso & Near the Equator	25	Ass	Lifting Weights	26 – 30 y	00s	Undefined	n/a	n/a	n/a	Undefined
62	Torso & Near the Equator	26	Kidney	Poor Diet	41 – 45 y	10s	10	240	129	1	30960
63	Torso & Near the Equator	26	Junk	Medical Procedure	41 – 45 y	10s	5	15	71	1	1065
64	Torso & Near the Equator	26	Junk	Medical Procedure	41 – 45 y	10s	6	15	96	1	1440
65	Torso & Near the Equator	27	Junk	Hockey	26 – 30 y	00s	4	8	96	1	768
66	Torso & Near the Equator	27	Junk	Hockey	16 – 20 y	90s	5	10	83	1.25	1037
67	Torso & Near the Equator	28	Junk	Medical Procedure	31 – 35 y	00s	5	12	87	1	1044
68	Torso & Near the Equator	28	Junk	Medical Procedure	31 – 35 y	00s	8	25	92	1	2300
69	Torso & Near the Equator	28	Junk	Lifting	31 – 35 y	00s	8	23	97	1	2231
70	Torso & Near the Equator	28	Back	Shoveling	36 – 40 y	10s	7	20	92	1	1840
71	Torso & Near the Equator	29	Ass	Medical Procedure	21 – 25 y	90s	6	15	94	1	1410
72	Torso & Near the Equator	29	Ass	Medical Procedure	21 – 25 y	90s	6	15	93	1	1395
73	Torso & Near the Equator	30	Ass	Medical Procedure	21 – 25 y	90s	6.5	17	96	1	1632
74	Torso & Near the Equator	30	Ass	Medical Procedure	21 – 25 y	90s	6	15	92	1	1380
75	Epilogue	31	Ass	Medical Procedure	21 – 25 y	90s	6.5	16	99	1	1584

Appendix B

Funding

Funding for the study provided by the Andrew Butters Childhood Development and Education Fund (ABCDEF) ca. 1974-1993 from Mr. and Mrs. Butters Foundation.

Sources Cited

[i] Stephens R, Atkins J, Kingston A. Swearing as a response to pain. Neuroreport. 2009 Aug 5;20(12):1056-60. doi: 10.1097/WNR.0b013e32832e64b1. PMID: 19590391.

[ii] Stephens, Richard & Allsop, Claire. (2012). Effect of Manipulated State Aggression on Pain Tolerance. Psychological reports. 111. 311-21. 10.2466/16.02.20.PR0.111.4.311-321.

[iii] Cobain K, Novoselic C, Grohl D, Albini S (producer). In Utero. DGC Records. 1993 Sept 21.

[iv] Author and copyright holder Near Death by a Thousand Cuts: A Humorous Memoir of Misfortune by Andrew Butters (Potato Chip Math Creations, Dieppe, New Brunswick, 2023; ISBN: 978-1-7781322-4-7)

[v] https://www.britannica.com/science/sound-physics/The-decibel-scale

[vi] Spivak, Michael Physics for mathematicians—mechanics I. Publish or Perish, Inc., Houston, TX, 2010. xvi+733 pp. ISBN: 978-0-914098-32-4

[vii] The Black Knight, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Python (Monty) Pictures, 1975)