Category Archives: Uncategorized

Heavy Petting

This post should have been titled “The Magical Healing Powers of Domesticated Animals” but it just didn’t have the same Zing! to it so I apologize for using the snappier clickbait title that’s sure to illicit page views from horny teenagers who just aren’t quite ready to take their relationships to the next step.

The bartender from the kids’ ski lessons, Brianna (who factored into the post So I Stopped Wearing Socks almost a year ago) suggested the topic for this week and after my fat cat ripped open my finger with one of his claws I’ve decided to run with it.

In spite of all the blood drawn “playing” with their owners, pets of all kinds seem to have magical healing powers for their humans that cure of all sorts of ailments, particularly depression. Now, this isn’t a paper for a scientific journal or even a topic I’ve done any particular research for but it is somewhat interesting because I will swear up and down that I hate cats – but I’m not completely sure I do.

A little back story:

I never had a pet growing up but in my latter high school years my dad finally caved and allowed the family to get a dog. He was the cutest little red cocker spaniel and we named him Chester. In terms of intelligence, well, let’s just say he was the cutest little red cocker spaniel you’ve ever seen. I was only home for a couple years before leaving for university and my pet days were over. Fast forward to the early days of marriage and my wife really wanted a cat. Through a strange sequence of events we ended up keeping a couple cats that we were only supposed to be watching for a couple months. Through other events I won’t get into one of those cats is no longer with us, and after moving 6 hours away from home we ended up at the Humane Society picking up Oliver to keep the one cat we had left “from being lonely in the new house”.

Oliver had a giant scratch on his eyeball when we bought him and while that may have made some of us feel sorry for him. What it should have done was make it clear as day that this little bugger was a scrapper. Nevertheless we have had Oliver since 2006 and most of our furniture and carpet is still in tact.

In 2011, having gone through countless Bandaids for fingers, toes, and feet that Oliver had “playfully attacked” I suffered a pretty serious concussion. So serious, in fact, that my doctors told me that the next head injury could be my last one. In spite of my desire to behave normally I still got to spend weeks on the couch staring at nothing but a blank wall in a darkened room.

There is one day in particular that I remember vividly (one of the very few vivid memories I have of that time) and it ended up being a good day, thanks to my vicious claw ninja cat. There I was staring at my wall for the umpteenth day in a row and I was feeling pretty depressed about the whole thing. The traumatic brain injury was taking its toll and my emotions were becoming more and more difficult to control. It was scary, and I didn’t know when it would get better, if it ever would.

At that moment, just as the tears started to flow and blur the clock on the beige living room wall, my fat cat Oliver hopped up on to the couch; walked between my feet; stepped on my crotch – twice; kneaded my torso with his razor sharp talons; spun in two complete circles; plopped his hefty frame down with his little furry chin and smells-like-ass cat breath inches from face; closed his eyes; and started to purr. Suffice it to say this was not a common occurrence. In fact, in the 5+ years in which we had owned this cat he had never once shown me this much affection – and it was just what the doctor ordered.

It’s funny how that seems to work out, and I don’t mean funny “ha ha” or funny “strange” so much as I mean funny “interesting”. For all the levels of intellectual complexity that humans possess, when it comes to empathy our little feline and canine friends have us beat a thousand times over. This is an area that has been studied many times over and the results are clear: having a pet is good for your health.

Having a dog was nice when I didn’t have any responsibilities and there was my parents and siblings to look after it. As an adult I think it’s just one big hassle. As for cats, I’ve never been a fan of their attitude or having to clean up their damn litter boxes. That being said, when the world looks like it’s working against you both of those creatures will be by your side, no questions asked, and that can’t be a bad thing.

Now, some two and a half years after that post-concussion afternoon, The Fat One waits patiently on the couch for my laptop to get put away and an episode of Breaking Bad to begin so he can assume his rightful position lying on my chest, purring. I only wish it weren’t a coin toss over which end of his I preferred to have facing me.

~ Andrew

Week 5 Winner & Flash Fiction Challenge #6

Leave a reply

Week 5 of the Tales of Whoa / Potato Chip Math Flash Fiction Challenge is in the books. We only had one entry this week (what are we, married?) so our winner is jmcpike01 and you can read the entry here.

We’re going to keep at this for a while longer and give people a chance to win actual prizes soon so keep coming back!

Now, let’s get on with Flash Fiction Challenge #6!

This week it’s Gordon’s turn to host the challenge so if you’ll all please make your way over to Tales of Whoa you’ll find this week’s prompt and challenge rules.

~ Andrew

To Create or Not to Create? There is No Question.

4 Replies

Last night I went out to see The Monuments Men with my wife (good movie that could/should have been amazing) and I drove the babysitter home it dawned on me that I was without a post topic for this week, so I asked the sitter for her thoughts.

We bantered around a couple ideas when finally she said to me, “Do you listen to the radio?”

Anyone who read last week’s post about the radio promo I disagreed with knows that I listen to the radio now and then so I replied honestly with, “On occasion, yes.”

What she said next intrigued me (but given her upbringing I was not surprised). She said, “You could do your post on why it is that most artists that seem to be popular on the radio today aren’t very good.”

Now this isn’t simply a case of an old fart like me complaining about the music (or art in general) of the kids today. This is a very intelligent, well adjusted, popular, 15 year old girl saying that what’s popular today in the music department is coming up drastically short. I happen to think she’s right, and I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing.

One woman wrecking machine.

Since the dawn of time there has always been debate over the quality of art. This is not a new thing, and every medium or genre sees its share of great and not-so-great artists over the years. A couple hundred years ago it’s entirely possible that fans of an up-and-coming Mozart thought that J.S. Bach was a hack.

So after hearing the babysitter’s suggestion, and fresh out of the movie theatre where I spent 90 minutes watching men risk, and sacrifice, their lives for great works of art, I got to thinking:

If the Nazis sought out to destroy the “Wrecking Ball” video, every copy of Twilight, and the movie Jersey Girl, would anyone care?

I can imagine that Miley Cyrus, Stephenie Meyer, and Kevin Smith would care; though from what I’ve heard from Kevin he might be willing to let that one go.

More importantly, I think a great many other people would care as well, myself included. As much as I think Miley is nothing more than an overproduced PR stunt; as much as reading a few chapters of Twilight to my daughter made me want to re-take high school English; and as much as watching Jersey Girl made me question my man-crush for Kevin Smith; these are all just personal opinions based on limited knowledge.

All the “bad” art has just as much place in the world as the “great” art. Yes, it only took one person to write the song “Bohemian Rhapsody” (as performed by Queen) and something like five to write “Baby” (as performed by Justin Bieber), but when it’s all said and done, what we’re left with is more art. As individuals we can always choose to vote with our wallets, our page views, our downloads, and our ‘likes’.

“Like”

Thankfully, we’re not all programmed to appreciate the same things and while I’d rather poke my eyes out with a salad fork than watch another Rebecca Black video the reality is that not every musician can be Freddy Mercury, not every painter can be Claude Monet, not every poet can be Edgar Allan Poe, and not every novelist can be J.K. Rowling.

The Nazis wanted it all and when they realized that wasn’t possible they set out to destroy it. The good news is The Monuments Men and hundreds of other conscientious civilians saved a lot of it, and would have saved the rest had they been given the chance. What really struck me was they didn’t just save the “classics” (though it is understandable why that was the focus).

Matt Damon is shown returning an ordinary portrait to the home of a Jewish family that had long since left Paris. Whether that’s true to the actual story or not, the sentiment is the same: art matters, and the absolute worst thing we can do is destroy it.

Coming in a close second would be if we stop creating it in the first place.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0omja1ivpx0?rel=0]

~ Andrew

Flash Fiction Challenge #5

2 Replies

First things first. Take a look over at Gordon’s Blog for the week 4 winner.

Now, onto week 5!

The rules are very simple: we give you a prompt and you write 500 words or less.

You can write in any style that you wish; just be sure to use the prompt, keep it under 500 words, write it in English, and ensure it’s completely made up (this is a flash fiction challenge after all).

Next week Gordon and I will post links to the pieces we liked the best and will probably do a shout out on Twitter to those folks if they so desire. After a few months we’ll compile a list of our favourites and we’ll get the Internet to vote. The winner will win stuff (to be determined, but we’re sure they’ll love it).

Now, without further ado we present this week’s prompt (be sure to use it in your submission):

“Look, officer, I swear when I left the bar I was wearing pants.”

Use the comments below to submit your work. You can submit anonymously, but if you don’t leave us an email address or something you can’t win.

Have fun!

~ Andrew & Gordon

Why Is Everyone Clapping?

4 Replies

If you want to skip all this and go straight to the awesome update at the end of the post you can click here.

Some people will say, “You’re overreacting.”

Some people will say, “It’s part of the game.”

Some people will say, “It’s all in good fun.”

I will tell every one of them that they’re wrong.

As some long-time readers of this blog will know I suffered a severe concussion back in 2011 (to add on to the pile of other “less severe” head injuries, you know, the ones where I didn’t get knocked completely unconscious). I was off work for several months and it took me more than six months to get back to a level of function comparable to what I had before the accident.

As my friends know I am against the idea of fighting in hockey at any level and whenever I take one of my kids to a Kitchener Rangers hockey game and a fight breaks out on the ice it makes by blood boil. There is absolutely no place for fighting in hockey, let alone junior hockey, where a good number of the players are under the age of 18.

So, I guess what you are about to read is the inevitable reaction of a father and hockey fan who has finally had enough with the glorification of two athletes assaulting each other in front of thousands of adoring fans.

You could say the moment I snapped was one Saturday morning when I heard a promotion on 105.3 Kool FM for a contest they were running in association with the Kitchener Rangers and sponsored by Forbes Automotive. It’s a good promotion and I considered entering the contest… right up until I heard the line, “the hits… the fights…”

I wasn’t actually sure I had heard it correctly so I just filed it away until the next time it was aired. Sure enough, the next time I was listening and they played the promo I heard the line again, “the hits… the fights…” Suffice it to say I was nothing short of shocked. Were they actually promoting hockey fights? Were they actually promoting fights that involve kids under the age of 18?

First order of business: Posting to social media in hopes I would get areply. To date I have received none, and having heard the promotional spot countless times since it has come to this. I have resorted to the most extreme measure that an irate Canadian can possibly use.

I wrote a letter.

To:
Jay Nijhuis, Promotions and Marketing Manager, 105.3 Kool FM
Murrary Hiebert, General Manager, Kitchener Rangers

Cc:
Jason Stainton, General Manager, Forbes Waterloo Mazda (sponsor)
David E. Branch, Commissioner, Ontario Hockey League
Letters to the Editor, The Kitchener Record
Brain Injury Association of Canada

Subject:
Fight Club

Mr. Nijhuis and Mr. Hiebert,

I am writing to request the recent Kitchener Rangers “KooLest Seats in the House” radio promotion be taken out of advertising rotation immediately, or at a minimum, the voice over changed to something more appropriate.

The rationale for this request is quite simple. I believe the wording promotes violence, specifically violence by, and toward, teenagers.

I am an avid listener of 105.3 Kool FM and I attend anywhere between 8 and 10 Kitchener Rangers hockey games each season and I take my 11 year old daughter or my 7 year old son to most of the games. Now, it is possible that my previous experiences with concussions have made me more sensitive to the issues of head trauma in hockey (I’ve had at least 4 concussions) but I don’t think I’m out of line in admonishing Kool FM and the Kitchener Rangers for airing a promotion that highlights the fights that we can look forward to the next time we attend a hockey game.

The last two games I attended with my children there were fights in first five minutes of the game. On the one occasion my son, who is just starting to understand some of the rules, asked me why everyone was clapping after the fight. On the other occasion my daughter had to look away because the sight of two teenage boys punching each other in the face upset her (as it should, would you not agree?)

Let’s not forget that these hockey players are also kids! In case you haven’t counted there are currently 12 players on the Kitchener Rangers roster that are under the age of 18. I’m left to wonder how it is you can justify promoting fights between underage hockey players?

An even better question:

How do you think the parents of the younger players feel about you encouraging the public to come out and pay to see their 16 year old’s get into a fight and risk their future as hockey players as well as possible brain injuries?

Suffice it to say that, at best, the promotion as it currently stands highlights a terrible error in judgement by the marketing and promotions staff involved. At its worst it is a call for people to not just witness, but enjoy, teenage violence that doesn’t belong – on or off the ice.

The promotion could have easily been worded, “The hits… the goals…” instead of “The hits… the fights…” and as such I ask that you re-think the words chosen for this promotion or pull it from the radio outright.

I further encourage everyone involved to issue an on-air apology to the players and fans and make a donation to the Brain Injury Association of Canada or other applicable not-for-profit organization.

Respectfully,

Andrew F. Butters

Update!

Within a couple hours of sending my email and posting this I have received several emails from Kool FM and the Kitchener Rangers!

First, Kool FM informs me the script would be revisited tomorrow:

Then, I received an email from the COO of the Kitchener Rangers indicating he would be following up tomorrow as well, and reiterating his commitment, and the commitment of the OHL and CHL to reducing fighting in their games:

Finally, I received an email from the Program Director at Kool FM (after I replied to their original reply) informing me that neither Forbes Automotive nor the Kitchener Rangers were involved in the wording and approval of the script (good on Kool for owning up!) and that it has been re-written and will be re-voiced and produced on Monday:

If all this isn’t a whole pile of win I don’t know what is. Naturally, there are a few douchecanoes over at Reddit /r/hockey that are downvoting the link to this post but what’s a guy to do? One step at a time.

~ Andrew

Week 3 Winner & Flash Fiction Challenge #4

1 Reply

Week 3 of the Tales of Whoa / Potato Chip Math Flash Fiction Challenge is in the books. We had a light week for entries but a lot of people stopped by to take a look and many promised to submit something in the weeks to come.

Thank you, everyone. We’ll be doing this every week all year, with chance to win prizes every few months so keep coming back.

Gordon and I read through the entries and are pleased to announce that this week’s winner is Jane who can be found on Twitter as @janesharp11. Congratulations! You can read Jane’s entry here.

Now, let’s get on with Flash Fiction Challenge #4!

This week it’s Gordon’s turn to host the challenge so if you’ll all please make your way over to Tales of Whoa you’ll find this week’s prompt and challenge rules.

~ Andrew

Crushing Dreams of Candy

Leave a reply

Oh Internet, you’ve been providing us with ridiculousness for quite some time. I remember back when it was a really big deal to check on the hockey scores without having to wait for the top of the hour on the radio or the highlights on TV. We have apps for that now (thank goodness).

I remember back when, if you had to research something, you had to get up off your butt and go all the way to the library to look it up and then come all the way back home (uphill, again!) to type it up. How the local transit system and Liquid Paper are still in use is beyond me. Keep citing your sources though, and make sure they’re not all Wikipedia.

I remember when you were out at the bar and an argument broke out the result was often hours of yelling and debate sometimes followed by someone getting punched in the face. Those arguments seem to have tapered off with cries of “TO THE INTERNETS!” replacing violence. I think face punching still occurs, but it’s probably for old fashioned violations like hitting on someone’s girl or getting mind blowingly wasted.

Finally, I remember when the Internet was pure, and innocent, and wasn’t the easiest way for money sucking lawyers to bulk up on billable hours. Yesterday’s ambulance chasers are today’s trademark miners – and the Internet is the reason it’s so much easier than hopping in your car and hanging out near the busiest intersection in town waiting for the latest saga about the car that gets crushed in front of the candy store.

See what I did there?

Yes? Very good! Please keep reading.
No? It’s okay, it was subtle. Please keep reading.

As a content provider I am more in tune with copyright and intellectual property than I every thought I would be. Honestly, had I known I would be a photographer, blogger, and writer back in my youth I probably would not have spent so much time staring at my classmates test papers and assignments. In spite of those transgressions I do have a healthy respect for the creators of content and for the most part it’s a black-and-white discussion. I also understand that in some cases there are at least fifty shades of grey.

I’d like to think that the insanity started with Facebook and it’s ultimate desire to own every piece of information on the Internet. The day they filed for a trademark on the word “like” was a dark day for the Internet and a field day for lawyers. I’m sure other companies have marked singular, common words found in dictionaries everywhere but Facebook went the extra mile and added “face” and “book” to the list as well.

You know, I get it. I really do. Facebook doesn’t want people taking advantage of their popularity or sullying the brand, but to what extent do they have to go to ensure this doesn’t happen?

The answer to that apparently lies with the company King.com Limited, who on February 6, 2013 filed a trademark application for the word “candy”. Special thanks to the CBC for bringing this to our attention and digging up the application status (that would have been a chore for a person much more patient than me). In case you didn’t know, King.com makes the wildly popular app “Candy Crush Saga”.

If you read the filing you’ll see a laundry list of goods and services to which the trademark applies. To say that King.com Limited has cast a wide net would be the understatement of the year.

Some highlights:

“Calculating machines, Data processing equipment, namely, couplers”
“Microphones; Baby monitors; Battery performance monitors”
“Clothing… tights, trousers, under garments, underpants, underwear…”

And my personal favourite:

“Non-downloadable electronic publications in the nature of websites, e-books, online magazines, online newspapers, electronic journals, blogs, podcasts and mobile applications in the field of computer and video games” [emphasis mine]

What I can’t figure out is whether or not the bit “in the field of computer and video games” only applies to podcasts and mobile applications or if it applies to everything in that sentence. I suppose one way to find out is to just leave this post up and wait for my cease and desist letter to arrive in the mail.

The good news is that while the application was approved on January 22 competitors still have until February 25 to oppose the trademark. Here’s hoping someone tips off the members of the 60’s band The Strangeloves before things get out of hand.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiiD8KeAFew]

~ Andrew

Flash Fiction Challenge #3

7 Replies

Welcome to the week 3 of the Potato Chip Math / Tales of Whoa flash fiction challenge!

The rules are very simple: we give you a prompt and you write 500 words or less.

You can write in any style that you wish; just be sure to use the prompt, keep it under 500 words, write it in English, and ensure it’s completely made up (this is a flash fiction challenge after all).

Next week Gordon and I will post links to the pieces we liked the best and will probably do a shout out on Twitter to those folks if they so desire. After a few months we’ll compile a list of our favourites and we’ll get the Internet to vote. The winner will win stuff (to be determined, but we’re sure they’ll love it).

Now, without further ado we present this week’s prompt (thanks to Chuck Wendig who inspired this ‘pick list’ style prompt):

If the last digit of your house number ends in:

0 or 1 = Paranoid
2 or 3 = Thoughtful
4 or 5 = Courageous
6 or 7 = Clueless
8 or 9 = Humorous

If your birthday is in:

January or February = Politician
March or April = Actor
May or June = Office Worker
July or August = Scientist
September or October = Teacher
November or December = Politician

If the day of your birth ends in:

0 or 1 = Montreal
2 or 3 = New York City
4 or 5 = Hollywood
6 or 7 = Iowa
8 or 9 = Moscow

If the year of your birth ends in:

0 or 1 = Stumbles across an assassination plot
2 or 3 = Steals something
4 or 5 = Commits a murder
6 or 7 = Falls in love
8 or 9 = Loses everything

So for me I would be writing about, a clueless actor in New York City who commits a murder.

Use the comments below to submit your work. You can submit anonymously, but if you don’t leave us an email address or something you can’t win.

Have fun!

~ Andrew & Gordon

Great Expectations

2 Replies

This starts as a story of a writer who put out a tonne of stuff in several genres in a short period of time and didn’t achieve immediate success, so, she decided to pack it in and give up on her dream.

Here are the highlights:

7 books released in 2 years

3 self-published, 4 with a “publisher” of some kind, and 1 book owing

After 2-3 years she figured she would be successful.

She is not so she is quitting. Not just quitting, but pulling her stuff off Amazon and buying back the rights to the books she no longer owns

Meanwhile, her spectacularly thrown hissy fit Facebook post was just littered with grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

Returning to her page several days after she thew in the towel I see that some of her friends have talked her out of it and she’s going to plow through. Good for her(?) Honestly, I’m not sure what to think. It seems like I’ve done more research for this blog post than she did in deciding to become a writer.

Image courtesy thaikrit at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

I took a look at her website and as far as I can tell this is a simple case of mismanaged expectations. Like the kids on American Idol who have been told by their parents that they’re the next Kelly Clarkson, this author had J.K. Rowling expectations when five out of six books in her portfolio are: two children’s picture books, two cook books, and a book of poems.

Now, I’m not sure what her definition of “success” is, but from what I’ve seen on her Facebook wall, it looks like recognition is pretty high up on the list. If that’s the case, then I might suggest that poetry, children’s picture books, and cookbooks might not be the quickest road to success. Certainly it’s possible, but: poetry world is a niche market at best, and finicky as hell; children’s picture books are the most saturated genre on the planet; and unless you’re actually a trained in the culinary arts or are Susanne Somers it’s going to be a long, slow road to success.

How a writer defines success is entirely up to them. How anyone defines success is entirely up to them. Personally, I’ve set modest goals with the intent of making them bigger and better as I move ahead with achieving each one. My expectations are set modestly and I have a good grasp on the reality of the situation. I understand that my goals may be just a little bit out of reach, but that’s okay. I can’t think of a single successful person (by any measure) that didn’t push themselves a little further. I understand that if I keep doing what I’m doing then I’m going to keep getting what I get.

Most importantly, I understand it’s going to take a bit of luck.

Image courtesy Michal Marcol at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

Just to be clear, when I speak of luck this is the equation I have in mind:

Luck = Preparation + Opportunity ¹

Also,

You only get out what you put in
You reap what you sow
You get what you deserve
Karma’s a bitch

Okay, maybe that last one’s a bit off topic but you get the idea (plus I love that particular expression). Someone mentioned to me the other day that they found me “inspiring”. Even though I was truly flattered, I had to laugh because it just so happens that I’m the laziest person in the world. I’m an excellent example of how one can achieve success but only if you allow it to take four times longer than it should.

That being said, I have more than a few successes to speak of (a couple in writing even!), and I know exactly how much time and effort I’ve put into achieving each one. You want to know something? If you do the research, constantly keep your eyes scanning for opportunity, and make your way to Carnegie Hall (practice, practice, practice) you’ll be successful. It’s that simple.

Image created and owned by David Samuel

But wait! You say you scribbled a few things down and didn’t achieve J.K. Rowling level success on the first try? Well then, you’ve got two choices: pack it in or keep trying, and if you choose the latter you had better not do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. Not only will you continue to get what you get but you’ll start to look a little crazy in the process.

~ Andrew

Week 1 Winner & Flash Fiction Challenge #2

Leave a reply

We had a great week 1 of the Tales of Whoa / Potato Chip Math Flash Fiction Challenge! We had a grand total of eight submissions – seven of which followed the instructions!

Thank you everyone for participating and to all the other people who stopped by either for a quick read or to see what it was all about. We’ll be doing this every week all year, with chance to win prizes every few months so keep coming back.

Now, without further ado Gordon and I would like to present the entry we were most fond of. All eight submissions were great but Gareth Young’s stood out for both of us. Congratulations Gareth! We’ll send out some kudos tweets over the next few days. You can find him on Twittter @Spartagus.

Honourable mention this week goes to K.D. McCrite who took a prompt that we intended on inspiring murder and took it in a completely different direction. K.D. is such a good writer. If you have pre-teen daughters they will very much enjoy K.D.’s April Grace series.

Now, let’s get on with Flash Fiction Challenge #2!

This week it’s Gordon’s turn to host the challenge so if you’ll all please make your way over to Tales of Whoa you’ll find this week’s prompt and Challenge rules.

~ Andrew