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Brick Walls, New Beginnings

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“Is it possible that there are no coincidences?”
– Signs, 2002

An excellent question, and one that I am beginning to think can be answered in the affirmative.  I would assert that not only is it possible, that it is entirely probable.  How am I so sure?  Another good question, and one whose answer relies more on a gut feel than empirical fact.  A gut feel, and some happenings that would otherwise be dismissed as benign, had I not been paying attention.  They are:

  • Reading an article written by sports columnist Bob McKenzie
  • Befriending an old public school acquaintance on Facebook
  • Watching Kevin Smith perform at Kitchener’s Centre in the Square
  • Reading a Chazz Writes blog post written after he saw that same Kevin Smith show in Kitchener
  • A friend and co-worker from another lifetime offers to do me a favour

“The brick walls are there to let us show how badly we want something”
– Randy Pausch, Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

I stumbled upon the above YouTube video in one of the most unlikely ways, but given that hindsight has a tendency to be 20/20 maybe it wasn’t so unlikely after all.

I was reading one of my favourite sports columnists Bob McKenzie about the non-passing of the hockey legend Pat Burns.  Typically when a person continues to live on day after day this isn’t column-worthy material, but this case was unique.  The media had falsely reported that Pat Burns had finally succumbed to cancer – again.  That was a whole story unto itself, and Bob did a remarkable job of spinning the tale, but as he did he mentioned Randy Pausch’s lecture and trusting that Mr. McKenzie would not lead me astray I watched it.  I watched it in complete awe, and one particular moment jumped right out of the screen at me.  It was the moment where he emphasized the quote above and added, “(Because) the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough”.

The next day I wrote that quote on my white board at work.  Begging people to ask me of its origin just so I could point them to Randy’s lecture and hope that they ask themselves what it is they want so badly that they would tear down a brick wall.

I’ve been flirting with the idea of writing a proper story for quite a while but years and years have passed and I keep staring at the wall.

“It’s been great for me and essentially, I am the audience”
– Billie Mintz

I then befriended an old school acquaintance on Facebook, Billie Mintz.  When I was in grade 3 Billie kicked my Batman lunch box down the sidewalk.  He’s an artist now, composing music, writing commercials, shooting movies – and he’s really damn good.

I wrote a fake commercial once and even got some rough footage shot with the help of a friend but I never edited the raw footage and the files are who-knows-where on my computer now.  That was years ago, and I keep staring at the wall.

“Go where the puck is going to be”
– Walter Gretzky (father of Wayne), by way of Kevin Smith

I am a big Wayne Gretzky fan.  I consider him to be the greatest hockey player of all time. and as it turns out, I am not alone in my admiration for Wayne.

My wife was starting out the window at work one day and over the shoulder of her co-worker she sees a sign for a Kevin Smith appearance at Kitchener’s Centre in the Square (smodcast episode #144 recaps his gig).  She calls me immediately and within minutes I had secured seats for the Q&A session to take place two days before our 11th anniversary.  Now poop jokes aren’t exactly on the list of anniversary presents (possibly for something like the 61st, but certainly not the 11th), but you can’t go wrong with laughter to bring a couple closer together, and there was definitely lots of laughter.

I have been a Kevin Smith fan since Clerks, and while I am by no stretch of the imagination a Die Hard fan (pseudo inside joke there for anyone at the show), I do keep up on his career, and genuinely admire and respect how he has built his brand – and done so on his own terms.  Who else could make a movie and pay for it entirely on credit cards?  Kevin Fucking Smith.  That’s who.

I used to write content for a trivia-based video game. I used to keep a notebook with all my ideas in it.  I took a screen writing course once and even mapped out a few rough ideas.  I own two books on screen writing by Syd Field, both of which are covered in dust.  On occasion I’ll stare at them just sitting there on the wall.

“Develop your craft and work on your dream”
– Robert Chute

Until a few minutes ago I don’t even know this guy’s name, only that he did a blog post after seeing the same Kevin Smith show that I did and his Twitter account is @RChazzChute – and he’s a writer.  His post outlines some of the many things he took away from the show and was somewhat amazed that Robert wrote about many of the same thoughts that had popped into my head throughout the course of the show and in the hours and days that followed.

Kevin replied to Robert’s post and that spawned a follow-up post in which he writes, “An Evening with Kevin Smith really was an eye-opener and course correction for me and I’m already working away on that. (I hope some of you stick around or swing by once in a while to see my progress.)”  This is significant to me because those could have easily been my words had I not been stuck on my couch, sitting there, passive…. staring at the wall.

“If you ever want me to read something, just let me know”
– A Friend

Robert also writes in his Kevin Smith retrospective, “Don’t give the critics too much credit, especially when they make you feel bad about yourself or decrease art’s productivity.” and “Make friends”.

A former colleague and friend just got back from a month-long vacation to Australia.  We were catching up on Facebook, chatting away when I asked her, “So now what?”  She’s in-between jobs, getting married soon, and selling a house.  She’s thinking about moving to France, which is not surprising as she’s always struck me as someone who follows her dreams and is undaunted by the obstructions life can sometimes put in your way.

She asked me if I had done any more writing and I said, “Not really, but I’m thinking about it”, and I had every intention of telling her the story you have just read, but I had to go read books to my wonderful daughter and I didn’t get the chance.  Before I signed off though she managed to type, “If you ever want me to read something, just let me know”.

“How’s your writing going?”
– Another Friend

A dinner with some long-time friends happened yesterday and right before dessert, that’s what Trevor asked me.  I gave him the Cole’s Notes version of the Kevin Smith show and the subsequent blog post by Robert.

Today I dusted off Syd Field’s “The Foundations of Screenwriting“, found my old ideas book, ignored the TV shows recorded on my DVR, created a new Twitter account (@potatochipmath), email address (potatochipmath@gmail.com), found a quiet spot in the basement, and wrote this.

Wall?  What wall?

Allergy Update #2

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OK, so I’m back with another update on the Registered Holistic Allergist and related treatment.  I went back for another reversal, this time for dust and pets and other dirt-type things (last time we reversed a whole whack of grasses pollens and such).  To top it all off I brought my deathly-allergic-to-peanuts son with me.

We get the son out of the way as it was his first visit.  To say that this was the moment I really started to think “this is total horse shit” is a gross understatement.

First, let’s go over The Test:

Place your thumb and ring finger on your dominant hand together tip to tip.  Have the allergist then try to pull your fingers apart.  If this is difficult, then everything is as expected.  Now do this with your hand palm down on the top of your head.  You should get the same result as with no hand on your head.  Oh yeah by the way, you can’t have anything in your pockets, no cell phone or iPod nearby, and for crying out loud don’t cross your legs.  OK, now flip your hand over so the palm is up and the back of your hand is touching the top of your head.  Apparently this draws “energy” away from your other arm and makes it easier to pull your fingers apart.  That’s the baseline.  I shit you not.  Now, holding your fingers together as mentioned, hold up a vile of “energy” (that represents whatever it is you’re allergic to, or having problems with) to your forearm that’s attached to the hand with the fingers together.  If it’s easy to pull your fingers apart, your sensitive/allergic to it.  The easier it is, the more sensitive or allergic you are. If it’s difficult (like it was with palm down on your head or no hand on your head at all), then you’re good.  Repeat for a few hundred things.

Don’t ask me how they mirror the “energy” for all this stuff.  She was unable to tell me how it works, only that they order the vials and they come labeled: ragweed, grass, insomnia (yes, they have one for this), stress (yes, this too), etc…

So because my son is so small and just a kid they do the test with me as the proxy.  I hold his right hand with my left hand and hold my finger tips together (thumb to ring finger) and he holds up a vial to his neck (not sure why.  I asked and she told me it was because it was a location central to his energy or some crap like that).  Then they do the test on me.

Here’s the best part: Their test came back with him only slightly allergic to peanut and peanut products.  In fact, it barely registered.  It was awesome.  They had absolutely no explanation for it.  Keep in mind that I have personally called an ambulance for my son as I watched his face swell up like a balloon after he simply touched peanut putter to his face.  Keep in mind that I had a scratch test done for nuts and other food products done and peanuts reacted so severely that the doctor had a script for an Epi Pen in my hand before he was done testing the kid for other stuff.  So, for the holistic allergist to come up with the result they came up with, well let’s just say I’m leaning toward this being nonsense at best and a freaking swindle at worst.

Now this is where I went from simply skeptical to downright offended that they described this as Science in my presence (and on their website).  You see, I had a loonie in my pocket (that’s a dollar coin for you non-Canadians out there) and my swipe card from work on my belt AND my son was wearing his Epi Pen pouch around his waist.  So, all that was affecting the energy and that’s why the result was off.  So, I took care of all these energy bungling things and had them do the test over again.  Same result.  No explanation.  Anyhow, we continued because we were already there and it was a bugger of a drive out.  Of course, if this does happen to work I will care less how or why it works and just be thankful it does (don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and all that jazz).

But what bugged me the most was that any result that was expected was irrefutable proof that it worked but every result that was not expected was explained away with some lame ass excuse, and that’s NOT science.  Science is a special discipline in that regardless of the results, all of them count.  A result that disproves your hypothesis is just as valid (most of the time more valid) as one that proves it, and as a scientist you have the obligation to count ALL the results, regardless of how right or wrong they make you look.

At any rate, the kid gets his treatment (peanut allergy reversal #1 of 4) and I get “re-tested” for a few things and then have my reversal done.  But then, I start to begin to fight a cold, and it was hard to tell if I’m sneezing and have a scratchy throat because of my allergies or because of that.  Felt like a little bit of both…

If You Ignore Them Will They Just Go Away?

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A short but important rant concerning Canadian politics.  You have been warned.
With another election undoubtedly in the works at some point (it has been almost 2 whole years since our last one, you know), and with the Rick Mercer show back on the air for a new season, my thoughts are with the poor people of Quebec and how 51% of them at election time are barraged by propaganda attacking Canada and promoting sovereignty under the guise of “Quebec interests”.  Well, last time I checked the whole purpose of a federal election was to put together the best government for the whole country and not just one part of it, no matter how “distinct” that part happens to be.  In fact, some would argue (myself included) that allowing a party with separatist intentions to participate in a nationally held election is nothing short of treason. 
So this brings me to the following….
Question: 
Is there any way to keep the Bloc from participating in the next federal election (outside of actually running candidates)?
Answer?
For starters, I was thinking that the network(s) carrying the next debate could impose a restriction which would look something like this:
“Participation in the debate limited to only recognised Canadian political parties running candidates in 185 of the 308 ridings AND in 7 of the 13 provinces and territories AND who received at least 5% of the vote in the last federal election.”

The numbers above were not picked out of thin air; they were well thought through.  185 of the 308 seats represents the percentage of eligible Canadians who actually voted (around 60% – terribly low) and more than 50% of the provinces and territories.  The 5% of the popular vote keeps fringe groups from getting in simply by running a Marxist Christian Communist Marijuana Party member in each riding.  
Based on the last election the next national debate would then have the Conservatives, the Liberals, the NDP, and the Greens.  Still do the debates in French and English – those are both our official languages – but only discuss issues important nationally, without the noise and clutter of Gilles Douch-eppe barking in the wings the whole time.
In addition, the media could just ignore the Bloc completely.  No questions.  No press coverage.  Nothing.  Like the petulant, whiny, good-for-nothing, little brat ruining a perfectly good recess; when ignored for long enough they have a tendency to just go away.
This could work, no?

Corn

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Have you ever cut the kernels off an entire cob of corn?  Those of you who have elderly parents/grandparents or small children may have done this before.  Well I did this the other day for my son who was having an unusually hard time eating his corn on the cob and I noticed something.  The amount of corn that was cut off the cob far exceeded the amount of corn that one would normally put on their plate if they were to just cook some corn from a can (or frozen, or whatever).  Far exceeded.  And I normally eat at least one and half cobs with a typical dinner.  I’m either getting far more than my daily allotment of grains (side note: corn is not a vegetable(?)) or I have to seriously rethink my idea of a “portion”.

Driving Me Crazy

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I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best driver in the world: I rarely check my blind spot, I travel at high rates of speed, I enjoy breaking quickly, I can’t park to save my life and I am the poster-boy for road rage.
That being said I am still less of a threat on the road, and even a better driver, than way too many people out there with licenses.
There’s the people who drive too slowly. Not the speed limit, but SLOWER. If it’s a clear day and the roads are dry and you’re on a highway you’d best be going within 5 of the speed limit. They say it can happen, but just once I’d actually like to see someone getting a ticket for going to slow.
Then there’s the idiots who chuck cigarette butts out their window. This really has nothing to do with their driving ability, but it really annoys me.  Today someone cut me off and stopped short and tossed a butt out the window and it landed on my hood.  Sigh.
Let’s not forget about the two lane highways occupied by two different cars both going the same speed. I’m not sure if the car in the fast lane just enjoys being an asshole or what, but these people should have a Volvo rammed where the sun don’t shine. 
Lastly, there’s the ever popular super-conscientious citizens. The people whose sole job on the road is for them to make sure you drive below the speed limit and come to a full stop at all the appropriate places. The purposefully drive so you can’t pass them, they take EXTRA long at stops, they NEVER try to make the amber light, and don’t even think about making the left as the light goes red. Nope, these people want to make sure that you follow all the rules, all the while you’re just thinking of ways to run them off the road without them actually getting killed.
If I wasn’t such a lazy ass, I’d walk.

Readability Be Damned

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Back in March when my mother asked me what I wanted for my birthday I went onto http://chapters.indigo.ca and into the fiction section to see what I might like.

I initially gravitated to the new Chuck Klosterman book.  His first piece of fiction.  I had read a few of his books before (collections of essays, mostly true stories, and anecdotes) and read him online from time-to-time so I added that to my wish list (it’s called “Downtown Owl“, and I liked it).

Then, I started looking for crime novels, heist books, and other assorted who done it types.  In the new release section was a Don Delillo book that claimed to be about a filmmaker and a U.S. Government inside-the-war room fellow.  In grade eleven I read this book “White Noise” by Don Delillo.  All I can tell you about it today is that I think it ended with the main character in a grocery store but I vaguely remember liking it.  I put his new one on my wish list as well.  It was titled “Point Omega“.

It sucked.

It’s not just that it was a slow moving book.  It never really got started.  It was only a hundred or so pages, but honestly it could have done with another hundred more just so that the really good story lines actually had time to develop.

In my non-expert opinion it was just poorly written, and I can’t even begin to describe how much I now loathe the comma.  This is what this awful book has done to me.  I can’t even look at a comma now without feeling sick to my stomach.

It began with sentences with so many commas I could barely keep track, kept with that theme for a while, continued to overuse them, and finished, finally, with a few pages of disjointed thoughts, separated, of course, by many commas, presumably to promote something I can only describe as “punctuation epilepsy”.

The only advice I can give is to avoid reading this book.  That, and Don Delillo should read “Eats, Shoots & Leaves” by Lynn Truss and pay careful attention to the chapter on the comma (assuming for a minute that a hugely successful author of dozens of novels, short stories and plays can take advice from a blathering blog hack like myself).

Potato Chip Update!

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Quick update on my potato chip situation.  The math just got better!!

The discount blue bag chips are back to their regular 2 for $5 price and my reliable favourites have now dropped in price by $0.70 now making them only $0.50 more than the cheap ones – and totally worth every penny.

I am pleased.

Entirely Too Digital

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OK, you know you’re too immersed in a digital world when you’re doing something that has been done manually for centuries – and can only be done manually – and your brain tries to behave as if it’s sitting in front of the computer.  This just happened to me:

I was putting away my laundry and a t-shirt which was folded (perfectly, of course) dropped off the top of the pile as I walked to my dresser.  This amazingly folded article of clothing became unraveled and started to tumble to the floor.  No word of a lie, my brain thought “CTRL – Z”.

(for those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, it’s a keyboard shortcut – pressing the “Ctrl” key at the same time as “z” – that performs a very special action: UNDO)

Would You Like Fries With That?

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This post seems more relevant today than when it was first written over 5 years ago.  This is for a couple of reasons: 1) I now live back in Cambridge where part of this took place, and 2) something happened at Tim Horton’s that made my jaw drop and laugh out loud at the same time.  I’ll explain at the end of the rant.
—————
I don’t want to sound condescending or elitist, but really, what does it take to be an employee at a fast food drive through? College diploma? University degree? Heartbeat? Tom Vu seminar attendance receipt?

“A lot of your friends will tell you, ‘Don’t come to the seminar. It’s a get-rich-quick plan.’ Well, tell them, It is a get-rich-quick plan because life is too short to get rich slow.” 
– Tom Vu, 1990

I can understand that they may not be able to hear through the state-of-the-art sound system provided, but what’s wrong with clarifying an order if they are having trouble hearing? Would that not be a better idea than just throwing anything in a bag then waving good bye and smiling.

I mention this only because for about 40th time I had a Tim Horton’s drive-through screw up my order. I used to think it was just this one store I went to all the time in Cambridge
(seriously, people would go out of their way to come to this place just so they could get a first hand glimpse of how inept they were – one employee actually asked me how to make TEA!!!)
but as it turns out, it’s not limited to that one place and it’s not limited to Tim Horton’s either. McDonald’s and Wendy’s do a pretty nice job of pooching the order quite regularly. Don’t even get me started on Taco Bell.

OK, you got me started on Taco Bell…

Recently I picked up some food for the kids and the babysitter. I asked for an extra order of fries, was asked if I wanted more fries, confirmed I wanted more fries, asked if it was just one fries, confirmed it was just one fries, asked if I wanted anything else, declined anything else, was asked at the pay window if I was the guy who ordered the extra fries, confirmed I was the guy who ordered the extra fries, was asked if the pop was in fact a Sprite, confirmed that I did request a Sprite, had my pop spilled on me as it was passed from the window, drove away with a wet crotch and a bag full of food, got home, and then dished out everything to the hungry hoard.

No extra fries.

Even though Taco Bell couldn’t have done anything worse in this instance, I’d have to say that the good ‘ole drop-outs at Timmy’s have got the World’s Worst Drive-Through Service Championship Belt hanging proudly in the back room. Black 1 sugar does not mean double double. Tea with nothing in it does not mean hot chocolate. When I get to the window, an apple freaking fritter is not, “What kind of doughnut was that again? Oh sorry, we’re out of apple fritters”.

If eating all this fast food crap isn’t killing you (which it most definitely is), try going to the drive-through. At the very least you’re guaranteed higher blood pressure and a Boston creme instead of a honey glazed.

—————


After a moment of reflection…

Two words: Minimum wage teenagers.

It’s either the minimum wage teenager or the recent immigrant who has 3 PhD’s that for some reason the stupid Canadian Government refuses to recognize. Either way I’m getting a coffee for a buck fifty and a doughnut for a buck and a quarter served to me in my car by someone making next to nothing who’s probably been shagging this crap all morning for jerks like me.

Without the minimum wage doughnut slingers I’d have to drink the crap they have at work and there would be more punk-ass kids crowding up the streets and higher taxes. OK, I’m not sure about those last two points, but for sure I’d be drinking crappier coffee.

So, check the order before you leave the window. Check it again, and then politely thank the fine people behind the window when after the third try they finally get the order right. If they nail it on the first go, then thank them extra nicely. If it happens that way a few times in a row, then go in for a change and tell their manager how much you appreciate it.
—————
So what happened today?

I was in line at the Timmy’s and when I get called up to the counter I am served by a lady who has been working at Tim’s for something like 10 years.  He’s the happiest, energetic, optimistic, most polite Tim Horton’s employee I have ever met.  She can’t remember my name yet (I moved out of town for 5 years) but she clearly recognizes me as I’ve been in the store a lot lately.  It’s “Roll Up the Rim to Win” time!

As I pass her my free donut cup from the coffee I had a few days ago says something to the extent of, “Can someone please get this gentleman his free donut?”

To which I replied, “Sure beats giving these guys [Tim Horton’s] any more money.  They have enough already.”

And then very subtly under her breath in a deeper tone than she normally speaks – and instantaneously after I made my comment – she says, “You fucking got that right”.  And then she looks up at me, eyes wide and jaw open, as if she could not believe what just happened.  Well I’ll tell you what happened: Her inside voice finally got out.  After 10 years of slogging crappy coffee and sugary pastries my comment finally hit the right nerve and she (sort of) snapped.

It was awesome.